P is back from Brazil/Argentina. The week before he was in Lisbon, then onto Johannesburg. I feel good when he is gone. I’m more motivated and I accomplish more. I attribute this to his constant criticism, being told what “I should do,” and no validation for the things I do accomplish. When he is not around, I don’t need any validation.
Some times, in my life all of the time, I feel more alone when he is here. It reminds me of the lyric, “being with you girl, is like being alone,” obviously it is being with him. This is not the first time I have felt like this with him or for that matter in other long term relationships that I’ve had. Sounds like a pattern to me. Our conversations are one sided, him telling me things I have no interest in and me sharing feelings with him that receive no response whatsoever.
Not feeling loved or appreciated or touched by the man I’m married to is painful. Longing for just a hug, if not more, is excruciating. I’ve mentioned this many times before and I’m always able to push it aside for awhile and move on. What brought it to the surface, was watching a successful marriage. His sister’s family came over for 2 nights and her and her husband are such wonderful examples of a healthy marriage. They work together toward agreed upon goals, they are openly affectionate with each other and they have a lot of fun together. So that is why I am longing for the same.