We’ve been here in NY for two days and my emotions are all over the place. It started with the drive up here. It ended up taking 13 hours, every road we traveled was backed up. Waze took us west from I 495 to 15 to I 81 to I 84. It started snowing while on I 81 and continued until we reached the hotel. The situation was tense between us, I wanted to just cry.
Tonight was “cousins night.” My cousin Carol and her husband John have hosted this for years. My cousins Lauren and Susan weren’t able to come, so that’s less 4 people. I wasn’t sure my cousin Jimmy would come because he had a stroke two months ago. That would have left my sister and her husband. I wasn’t going to go, (I don’t speak to her and have no desire to). Jimmy and Ann did come and I really wanted to see them so we went.
It started with our arrival. We all arrived at the same time, we were last. They pulled into the driveway and we had to park on the road. So fucking inconsiderate. I had to walk up the long driveway with my walker. They are able to walk. I was furious and wanted to leave right away. Pete told me to stop. I went in saying how inconsiderate some people are. I really hated being there with her.
Then there’s my pill addicted brother, Michael. Of course he didn’t make it because he’s in the hospital for rehab. He called me yesterday and I was at Brylee’s recital. I called him this morning and listened to his bullshit, lying and making excuses for why he’s in the hospital. It’s all too much! I’m exhausted and just want to curl up and be left alone.
Visiting NY I get extremely homesick and emotional. I wanted to drive past an old friend’s house and was hoping he would be outside, he wasn’t. It’s not like I could just run up to his door. Too big a production, with snow on the ground and using my walker. The memories are overwhelming me and I just want to cry. I have such good memories and I want to be normal (able to walk).