Mother’s Day this year was on Sunday. I was going to work since nothing was going on but decided not to. Bryan called me first thing in the morning from DisneyWorld. I got to speak to Brylee. I haven’t gotten a card from Bryan in over 5 years. He swears that he sends them but they get lost in the mail. I have to say that last year he followed up on it and it still couldn’t be found. Whatever.
Jennifer sent me a package with the instructions not to open until Mother’s Day. I was going to wait for her to call but she couldn’t till later in the afternoon, so feeling unloved and shitty I opened it. She had sent me a beautiful set of earrings, (she’s got great taste in earrings) and a book, Mom, I WANT TO Hear Your Story. It is a family keepsake Journal, it says ” A Mother’s Guided Journal to Share Her Life & Her Love.” I first saw this when my cousin Carol showed me the one she got from her daughter. I immediately loved it and thought that my kids would never get it, (Debbi Downer here). Carol is a retired English teacher and a great writer. I read parts of her journal and it was so well written. She also graduated college, had a steady career, her wedding and pregnancies were planned and has four Princeton graduates.
Here is my dilemma: There is a lot I don’t know, as in my first words, when I first walked, the reason behind my given name, how old my parents were, and what stories had I been told about the day I was born, (do I put (N/A, not applicable). By the way, that was a joke. Anyway it goes on to ask about your teenage years, first love, and career highlights.
My problem: I ran away as a teenager, I got pregnant and married at 18. Next pregnancy, again not planned, at 22. I never had a chosen career. I’ve worked many, many jobs as a necessity, not so much interests, and neither of my kids graduated college. I had no goals other than to provide a good home for my kids. My lifetime resume is not as profilic as Carol’s, or any other of my counsins for that matter. I’m not ashamed, I’ve always felt I did the best I could. Now in retrospect, I probably spoiled them to make up for my feelings of not providing them with any examples of a loving stable relationship. Speaking of love, I don’t remember my first “love.” Right now I am so far removed from feeling love towards a man, I’m feeling that, “was I ever in love?” I had to be, right? Why can’t I conjure up feeling in love with any of my many relationships?
Finally: As I write this, do I answer these questions feeling sad and like a loser? OR just tell the truth and be proud of what I have accomplished with little or no planning. Today my answer is to be proud of what I’ve done. Yesterday I was the loser. I won’t fill anything out when I feel like a loser.