I love being at the ocean. I always have, until now.
Back Story: Growing up my parents always took us on vacations, most of them involved beaches, whether it be lakes or most times the ocean. They loved the beach, especially my mother. We’ve been to Miami Beach, Bermuda, Long Island Beaches, Virginia Beach, and NJ Beaches, mostly Wildwood, NJ. Wildwood NJ is where I continued to bring my kids every year since they were 2 years old.
My kids and I would rent a hotel room on the beach, an efficiency, so that we could have most meals at the hotel, on the deck, beach, or in the room. As a single mom, I used my income tax refund to take them every year, sometimes with a girlfriend and her children. We would go the boardwalk two nights, rent bicycles, and go to Cape May. We would spend mornings at the beach, come back for lunch and afternoons at the pool. In the evening we would go fly kites on the beach. I had no fear of the ocean and used to go out beyond where the waves break. I could walk forever in the surf, I loved digging my toes in the sand, I was in heaven. I loved the vastness of the ocean and liked to imagine when no people were around. Same as I did when hiking.
I was always in the water, I was called was “a water bug.” My son is like me, not so much my daughter. When not at the ocean we went to town pools and lakes. As a teen we traveled to bigger lakes and state parks to swim and sun. I was never afraid. In my 30’s when I was with John, I paid for a built in swimming pool in the yard. When it got bad between us, I had to wait until the pool was closed for the season to move out, if it was open, I would never leave.
Present Day: Since I have MS I have been to the ocean maybe 10 times at the most. It’s been 20 years since I’ve been in the ocean or walked in the surf. This last trip to Myrtle Beach has made me rethink my love of going to the beach. I found that I became extremely depressed. Every day I watched people in the waves, walking, flying kites, playing with their dogs, All it did was bring me to tears. Everything came crashing, all I can think of was “I used to do this, I used to do that.” I hated myself and the fact that I can no longer enjoy the ocean like I used to.
Health Challenges: The fact that I can’t walk is nothing compared to the fact that most importantly I can’t tolerate the heat. Me, sun worshiper, water bug, can’t be in the heat for 10 minutes. My feet and ankles swell up like balloons, and every ounce of energy is sapped out of me. I tried the beach wheelchair, (see post of ). Luckily it was a cool day and I actually got to put my feet in the sand.
So what do I do now? My favorite things are being in nature. I know I can still be in nature but I’m having a pity party and I’ve been having it ever since this trip. I wish some people would read this and share their feelings, whether the same as mine, or how they overcame the same or similar problems. That is the reason I started this blog, unfortunately it isn’t working.