I’m still going to therapy for my brain. I go once every two weeks. Sometimes I don’t want to go because I don’t accomplish anything I said I would. Last session we discussed my relationship with Pete. I had truly had it. He is just so miserable, negative, and never wants to do anything fun. I decided I couldn’t waste any more of my life with him. We don’t want the same things and we have nothing in common.
It’s the continuation of a cycle I go through, only to be told by Katy, (therapist) that I’m not ready. If I was there are steps I could take to free myself. I guess I didn’t want to hear this. My excuse is that I can’t afford to live on my own, my income is less than two thousand a month. How am I supposed to live on that? I was reminded of using other assets which for some reason never entered my mind. I have investment accounts, and my name is on two homes. If I really wanted to, I can liquidate and buy myself a small place where I could live near my granddaughter. The other reality is that I do need help and I wouldn’t want to put my son in that position.
This seems like sooo much work! I did tell Pete that I”m done and want a divorce, (I’ve said it before). I can say mean things to him because I’m looking for some kind of response, there is never any response or discussion. I had a popup for a game on how to improve your communication skills and it listed signs that you are a poor communicator. I took a picture and showed Katy. She asked why would I show him that and I said to prove my point. She thought it would do no good. I showed him anyway.
He did look at it and I have pointed out when he provides excessive or irrelevant details in conversations. I have continually done this for years and he doesn’t get it. Example; when telling a story about what he’s doing or done at work. he’ll put in details that nobody knows instead of fixing a certain something on the plane.
Regardless, ever since I asked for a divorce he’s been very agreeable and nice. Even mentioning vacations that I might like or suggesting doing things on the weekends, (no actions). I realize how easy it is for me give in. Show me some kindness or interest and I back down. WHY????? I guess Katy is right, I’m not ready. Or I’m too damn lazy to start the whole process of leaving.