That’s me. I am even confused as to what to title this post: Decisions, Decisions; Full Mind, Again; Indecicsions. They are all what I’m going through. First I’ll start with the basic dilemma, which I’ve written about before. The future of my marriage. There are two ways this can go. “Should I Stay or Should I Go.” If and when I make this decsion, I have to stay strong and stick with it, Of course its not all black and white, having MS is a major factor in this decision and makes it extremely difficult.
Background – When I met Pete I wasn’t looking for a relationship, I was with John. After I left John and got my own place, I was working with a friend in her nursery and he walked in. He came specifically to ask me out. I hadn’t seen him in at least six months and we had never discussed anything about going out. I did tell him that I had MS, there was nothing for me to hide. We went out to dinner and never stopped seeing each other since that first date. At that time he had friends, another couple that we went out with all the time. He was social and fun and spared no expense. No problems with drinking or drugs. He planned nice dates. One of our first ones was going up in a balloon. I loved it, he was more nervous than me. We went on a trip to Maine and St. Lucia. Then we got married. GREAT wedding, which I planned and he was all for it! That is when the sex stopped. He was building a new addition on his house and included me on every decision. Excuses continued, right up to the same one used today. its always the same one, “I’m trying to get things done.”
In retrospect and getting to know him all these years I feel that by him going out and then marrying me was part of a well thought out manipulation and plan. He would give me security with monetary and health benefits and I would give him validation as a married man. I am not imagining this, I have even mentioned it to him several times, with no denials. I had asked him if he is gay, or asexual? Never an answer. His family is very Catholic, very involved in their church, so are his brother and sister. I would be the perfect cover. He was an altar boy for years, yet I know more about the faith than him. Was he abused as a child by someone from the church? All these things go through my mind. No answers from him. EVER! I moved into his house and made it a home with family and parties and decorating. I came to Virgina with him when he ws offered this job. I had no friends here and I hated it for years. Still no friends on his part. I again made the best of it with getting involved, becoming a Master Gardener, taking classes and volunteering at the botanical gardens.
Today – Here we are, 15 years later. He doesn’t have friends. he hasn’t since we moved. We go out to dinner often, he is very generous that way. One vacation, in our ninth year of marriage, Hawaii. Still no sex. He kept us busy from the moment we arrived. We saw A LOT. There was no time for the beach and we went to the pool twice in the evening. I didn’t complain, hell we were in Hawaii! No vacation since. In May we’ll be in Hilton Head for a week, thanks to his sister. He has nothing to do with it. I wanted to go to the house in N. Carolina for a few days before heading to Hilton Head but his brother and sister want to come and spend the night here in VA before heading down. So now I have to entertain two days before the trip and drive straight through down to Hilton Head.
Leaving the Marriage – If I were to leave there is an abundance of things that would need to be done. We would have to sell the property in Brunswick Forest in NC and the new house. That could take up to a year. I would have to find a place in NY to buy and arrange the move back. The only support I would have would be my son and I feel that is asking too much. I would no longer have the excellent medical coverage that I now have and that is huge! That is also the reason I haven’t done anything. So what to do????
My excellent therapist from years ago gave me some advice that I need to follow. I was debating leaving John and she said. “You can’t change him. If you decide to stay, you will have to accept him the way he is”. If you can’t then you should leave. That was very eye opening to me. John, like Pete was giving and a good guy. However, both of them are emotionally unavailable, (John and I never stopped having sex and it was really good). At the time I could still walk and I worked and had enough confidence in myself to move on.
Update – I am much calmer now and am still dealng with these decisions. Major revelation. I had been off of my AHAD medication, generic Ritalin, Methylphenidate ER 20 mg. There is shortage of that medication, amonst others. That is why I was freaking out more than usual.