6/21
I’m a little bored today, feeling like a prisoner, usually I feel this way in August. It’s too hot to go outside plus I couldn’t even if I wanted to, I could hardly walk with my knee.I don’t want to go to the doctor, but if it keeps up I will. Still haven’t contacted Bluehost on how to get this blog started, maybe this week…….
I’m lonely but I won’t pick up the phone. I can call another cousin, (which I owe a call to), a few out of state girlfriends, which I won’t. Haven’t figured out why yet. How can I like to be alone and still be lonely?
One of my longest girlfriends, from high school, had contacted me via facebook a few years ago. Throughout our lives we’ve disappeared for years, and reconnected like we’ve never been apart. It is a difficult relationship on my part because I just can’t handle her life. Always full of drama. Her husband hits her, she has countless affairs, her kids are violent and out of control, just to name a few. She has a need to seduce most any man she’s in contact with. I have a feeling that she slept with my first husband. Not to hurt me, but because she admires me and felt if she could seduce him, it would validate her n some way. She did the same thing with another guy I slept with, I encouraged her because she really wanted to and he didn’t mean anything to me. That ended up a disaster.
She has gone to multiple therapists, all men, and has felt the need to seduce them too. I guess she feels she has power that way. I had the best therapist ever, Toby. I saw her for years, never took notes, yet remembered everything we’ve ever discussed! I hooked her up with my friend. The relationship worked for a time. I last heard that Toby told her, “I don’t think I can help you anymore.” I understood that. You see, she thrives on being a victim. I can separate from her for years and come back and the story is always the same. She doesn’t do anything to improve her life. Toby figured it out after a few years, me a lot longer.
You want to help, but when a person does nothing to help themselves it won’t matter. I’ve tried to be more compassionate, but its very hard. For years she was loaded, very rich. She had over 25 years to put money aside for herself and never did. Spent money freely, always had whatever she wanted. She was also very generous with her friends. I tried to keep up with her as far as paying my own way and not taking from her. I watched so many “friends” use her, that it made me sick. Now she is still with her husband and he has money, but she’s broke.
We have a very long history. Pretty crazy things we’ve done that only we know about. She is also a nature lover and Beatles fan too. We’ve gone to see Paul McCartney on Oprah and Ringo and his All Star Band. We’ve taken limo’s into the city and had some unbelievable times. We’ve gotten so drunk and high on pot and later coke. We have laughed so hard and been through many health crisis on both our parts. Yet she is exhausting. You always hear about making boundaries and our situations are boundaries between us enough. She’s moved to N.Carolina with her family and has no friends there like my situation. It is a very complicated relationship with her. I can’t visit her because I don’t drive on highways and I have to bring so much shit with me, wheelchair, walker, shower seat. She can’t come here, she also doesn’t do highway driving. Reading this over I haven’t done a very good job describing my mixed feelings.