I haven’t written in a few days because I didn’t want to. Honestly, I didn’t know what I could say, or how to express what I’m feeling. I’m down again and I didn’t want to write the same old circumstances that bring me down yet again. I don’t want to complain, yet my head is ready to explode. I’m down because no one is reading this blog and I have no input to discuss with other people who have MS and might be able to commiserate. Blah, blah, blah, what good is it to complain, no good. I have to do something in order for anything to change. In this I am referring to my personal relationship or lack thereof.
My first instinct is to blog about gardening. How the weather is perfect for me to work outside, how the Columbine and Azaleas are blooming and how beautiful everything is coming to life. It is all true, but right now I am outside just to escape being inside and my frustration with everything. My husband has been home and that is hard on me. His escape is to work from morning until dark. Actually I don’t know if its his escape, that is just who he is. Its like living with someone who barely tolerates you being around. I want to work on projects together, there are things we want to accomplish and would be nice to do together. I ask all the time, to know avail. So I go out and dig in the dirt and plant new things and I feel better for the moments I am outside in nature. It is where I can live in the moment without things buzzing in my head getting ready to explode. When he is gone I kinda feel “outta sight, outta mind,” This works for me.
I could also write about music. I have several discussions in my head ready to put down on paper, oops, wrong, correction, write in this blog. I have other subjects floating around too, like are you ever too old for certain things. Lots in my head, but I’m not in the right place to go there right now. I also have new pages for my background that I’d like to get into. A real fun background involving all the men in my life. I’m not there yet. I need to feel good to write these things otherwise it is just another escape, putting my real feelings aside and being cheery when I don’t feel that way at all.
This morning when I picked up my phone, I had sensations in my left hand. It’s hard to explain, but I get them when I handle any kind of metals. It’s almost like a small shock as long as I hold these items. There is also weakness in my left hand and arm. I rode the 2 miles on my bike, (I’ve done it the past three days) today was very hard. When I got off I was overwhelmed with weakness in my arm, I felt dizzy and I laid down for awhile.