It started about a month ago. The garden shop shut down for renovations, (painting and new carpet). I didn’t know how I would feel but as time went on, I felt myself turning inward to the same old worries and obsessions. The things I push aside to go about daily living came soaring back.
The loneliness in my life; having no love, understanding, or any emotional or physical relationship with my husband.
The trials and tribulations of my children. Obsessing about why my daughter at 45 is renting a room and has no need to talk to me, even when I try reaching out weekly. My son and the downward spiral of his relationship. Worry about my granddaughters eating habits and even going so far as to worrying about when they go visit cousins in Florida, who have a boat, they feel no need to put a life jacket on her as their boating down the intercoastal. He makes her baths very deep and I’m also afraid of leaving her for one minute, that she can drown.
The loss of my only good friend, who if not seeing each other every day, would be texting about our shows. The conflict that I usually feel dealing with my cousin L. Her last comment of not telling me what happened with my brother because, “she felt it would be gossiping,” still burns me up, even he said it was ridiculous.
Lastly would be politics. Seeing Trump gaining power scares the shit out of me.
The fact that I’ve not wanted to write here and would rather bury my brain in games (for hours) than make a phone call to my dear friend Dan or anyone else for that matter is something that I am struggling with.
All of these thoughts going round and round in my head. Needless to say I haven’t been sleeping well. I’m up at 3, 4 am with this stuff. I have tried the breathing, concentrating on inhaling, hold and exhaling, and the thoughts interrupt. If it wasn’t for the good weather and my working in the garden these past weeks I don’t know what would happen. The garden shop is back open now so I am getting out and hopefully I’ll feel better soon.