In my day to day activities at some level, I have accepted the fact that I have MS. I still do my crafts, gardening to an extent, cook, shop, and volunteer. I have no hesitation using my wheelchair, that is freedom for me. I use my hand controls in my Highlander because again, it is freedom and independence. When I accomplish certain tasks I am proud of myself. When I can’t accomplish things is when the “not accepting” MS comes in.
I have a high level of frustration when I continually try something and I can’t do it. It is my own stubbornness that leads to this frustration. The good part is that I’m still trying and the bad part is not accepting my limitations. By allowing the frustrations to set in, I work myself up, I declare that “I hate myself,” and get very cranky and will give up and just go “bury my brain.” By that I mean playing computer games, watching TV or reading. I have to be by myself to get over it.
One of the worst times I have of accepting my limitations is when I’m out shopping. I pass by a department that has beautiful dressy dresses and gorgeous high heels and get so depressed at the inability to wear those items that I loved so much. I used to get a new beautiful dress for every big occasion and loved high heels. I wanted a jumpsuit but didn’t get one because it would be a hassle when it came time to pee. I watch other women wearing pretty sundresses swaying as they walk and get upset that I can’t do that.
My other hate of myself and condition is when I’m at weddings or celebrations where there is dancing. All these years, 28 to be exact, and I still cry when all my cousins get up and dance and I can’t, (again I won’t accept “dancing” in a wheelchair).
I realize that this is all self inflicted pity and thoughts of how “I used to be,” At this point I don’t know if I’ll ever get over it. I also realize how vain and egotistical these thoughts are. In the scheme of things not very important at all.