Aah, Christmas time….. when family gets together and enjoy each others company, (or not). To some, including myself it is just a reminder of how dysfunctional we all are. Since I’m going to go through my family members, I’ll start with myself. I am in a loveless marriage. Unfortunately my taste in men throughout the years have not had the best influence on my children. I have had long term relationships while they were young, that were loving. Not the best influence as far as being a big pot smoker and another one that is emotionally lacking.
I enter the holidays, always hopeful and excited. I enjoy decorating and entertaining. While I haven’t entertained family in over 10 years, I still look forward to the festivities. My biggest problem is having expectations. I know this is a big mistake because nothing could top my (fantasy) expectations. The newest problems are closet to home, my children.
My son recently broke off with his girlfriend, the mother of my darling granddaughter. I understand it, I knew it wasn’t going to work, but it is very hard on him and especially my granddaughter. It doesn’t help that her mother is constantly bad mouthing him in front of her. It breaks my heart seeing her so confused.
Next is my 44 year old daughter calling me 3 days before Christmas telling me she has no heat and there is mold in her closet and her hair is falling out. What can I possibly do? I had no answers. She talked with her landlord and decided the best thing would be for her to move out. The last time she had to move she had nowhere to go, same as this time. She is always welcome in my home but she doesn’t want to come here, so again I have no answers. She wants to stay in Florida, regardless of her son living in NY with his other grandparents. Her flight up to NY for Christmas was cancelled because of weather. She came up this week for New Years.
Next is my sister and brother. My sister is nine years older than me and has drilled that fact into my head since I was young. She stated at that time that, “we could never be close because of the age difference.” Meanwhile I have friends her age and older. She is a snob, above everyone else, she is also a phony. I know this because I grew up with her. There are many stories of how she has treated me throughout the years but I’ll address them if I ever get around to writing my background story.
Anyway since we moved and she moved down south, my nephew, (her son) and his wife have been hosting Christmas. We’ve never gotten a phone call invitation, it was always “assumed” we would come. My sister, usually 2 days before Christmas would ask, “you are coming on Christmas, right?” The same happened this year, only it was just for dessert. Again no phone call or text from my nephew or wife. Now they are both 50, so they’re not young kids. My sister says that they are just that way. Anyway, we all, me, P and my son decided we would not go this year on this half assed invitation. So now it is 2 1/2 years that my sister has still not met my granddaughter. Sorry unacceptable!
Moving on….. my brother. Again he must be understood, (someday written on my background story). The latest development is that he and his girlfriend of almost 10 years had broken up and I’m told he has extreme hate for her. I don’t know what happened. He also had heart surgery, which I was not aware of, my cousins had to inform me. The last time I saw him was at P’s surprise 60th birthday party in October. Anyway he is again off the grid, not answering his phone and the fear is he is back on pain pills. His last addiction was horrible. He becomes a different person. I do owe him a call which I am not prepared for. No sight of him during the holidays.
Now I have to compare this, (I don’t have to, but I do) with P’s perfect family. No divorces, all kids grown up, college graduates, perfect families. They all go away together, ski together, vacation together. I admire this, although I feel like such a loser. The bottom line is that I’m jealous and that is just the way it is.