I’m back to waking up in the middle of the night with the same negative thoughts and fears running through my mind. I turn on the TV to chase the obsessive thoughts away, but it isn’t working. The commercials take up too much time and I can’t focus on the shows to distract me. All these obsessive thoughts are repetitive. I always have them, but I’m able to push them away and occupy my mind elsewhere until they make their ugly appearance again.
First and foremost my unhealthy unhappy marriage to P. Nothing is different, no hugs, no affection, no caring, no interest. He is a machine, thriving only on work. No fun, no interests, no friends. This describes him. We started watching Reacher, based on the books about Jack Reacher. It’s very violent but I bring this up because it occurs to me that this man is like a machine, (now you get it), until last night when he had a passionate night with the lady cop, (excuse me, I can’t think of her name). The point is, and I said this out loud to my husband, ” well at least he has feelings of passion, and acts on them.” Statement ignored, like everything I say to him. I can be mean and say things to try to get some response from him and I get nothing. The only time I get a rise from him is when I bring up getting rid of some of his things, or disagree about plans for the new home.
Next big giant worry is my daughter. She lives in an oceanfront condo that costs over a thousand a month, her car payment is close to 500 a month and she doesn’t work. She says she doesn’t watch TV anymore, so I ask myself, “what does she do 7 days a week, 24 hours a day?” I know she has become a big pot smoker because she is constantly sending me IM’s on the benefits of marijuana use. The latest being on how it does not affect your ambitions. Seriously??? Thank God her son is living in NY, thriving with his other grandparents, no thanks to her or his father, who by the way is in jail. I would think she would be making every effort to try and get him back.
If your wondering why I don’t just ask her these questions, well you don’t know her. She cannot answer simple questions, she is very defensive about anything you say. Again I have to pretend all is well and accept her for whatever she does. She blows up at the slightest wrong word and is unable to discuss anything rationally and she knows more about pot than anyone. As long as I’m complaining,, here it all is. Christmas she wore the same sweatpants 3 days in a row. Could care less about dressing nicely.
I’ve already thought about depression, it does run on both sides and personally I think she might be bipolar. Smoking pot does not help this and she won’t go on antidepressants. She has been on them before and is a totally functioning person. As a side note, I had gotton both of them Ancestry DNA tests and she got hers back. It shows she has most of her fathers family DNA and very little of my families.. I could have told you that without getting any DNA results. We speak about once a month and its like stepping on eggshells, never knowing when I might say a wrong word to set her off.
I’m just sick inside. I haven’t even touched on my son yet and I can’t because writing this isn’t helping me. I long for a close relationship with anyone, How I’ve always longed for a sister, mother, daughter to be close to. I guess it will never happen in this lifetime. “My Sweet Lord,” just came on the radio and that is my cue to stop writing and feel the music of my favorite Beatle and song.