We are back from NY and I have concluded that I am a miserable person. How have I come to this conclusion? Very easily, since most of the trip I felt put upon, slighted and downright miserable. After years of therapy, I do recognize that no one can make you feel this way, that it is ultimately you that perceives these feelings. You’re responsible and cannot blame other people for your feelings of inadequacies, and perceptions. So with this in mind, again, I am a miserable person. The following is what made me have these feelings during our trip.
- I spent 6 days around my son and his family including of course, my granddaughter who was turning one year old! My sons father was also there, which we have never celebrated anything together ever, since our divorce. We usually go out to dinner with them at least twice during our visit. This time, not once. With his father, they went 3 times, including celebrating his birthday. My time was spent in their home visiting and playing with my granddaughter with the ex-husband there the whole fucking time! He never shuts up! Other times we’ve gone to parks and been out and about. The one day my ex was gone, I needed to be picked up and dropped back off, my son acted like it was a real pain to do this. I thought we could go out to lunch, just me and his family, but was told that they were going out to dinner that night so it wasn’t a good idea. I know none of this was intentional, yet I’m very hurt.
- My sons girlfriend has best friends that buy my granddaughter everything! Big things, that I would like to buy. I good naturedly told them how they were taking away from me the pleasure of buying her these big items. Again, not their fault, nothing intentional. Who wouldn’t want to give that beautiful baby everything. Here I felt slighted. Another instance was when they asked her where’s grandma, she looked at her other grandma, who lives nearby, and not me.
- My husband. He always makes me miserable about the usual, no signs of affection, sense of humor, etc., etc. We stayed at my cousins, which was the best! Her daughter just bought a house that needs a lot of work. Well you know this is right up my husbands alley. He thrives on work, give him more and more and he’ll do it. I didn’t really care because it allowed me to do some things with my cousin. As usual he gets carried away and doesn’t know when to stop and that pissed me off. Our relationship is so mechanical, it makes me want to scream.
- The last 2 days, he wanted to go to Long Island to visit his mother. I didn’t want to go and was a real brat about it, sighting how I didn’t want to go because she was a Trumper. Our last visits we slept downstairs because Maggie couldn’t make it upstairs. Every single time she says to me, not my husband, just me, “are you sure you can’t sleep upstairs?” Never mind that it is a steep staircase with no railings, which of course makes it hard for me and I need my husbands help, on which he is always impatient. She drove me so crazy with her constant talking and indecisiveness about everything that I gladly went upstairs to get away from her. She is from a different era, but not really because my parents were older than they are. In her marriage she allowed her husband to take control of their life together. He did the finances. When he died she had no clue of how to go about handling everyday things. He was of the mind, that as a man, he did not cook, would not cook, even barbeque. My mother would never have put up with that. I consider her of weak mind. Very miserable of me. For a person who wants to be more compassionate, I feel none for her. What a bitch I am!
- Then his sister invites us to their campground 40 minutes away to spend the day. I was a bitch about this too. Right away I figure that a campground would be hard for me to get around and how was I going to climb into the camper to use the bathroom. My fears were put to rest by her as she told me the layout and that they had public restrooms that were accessible nearby. We went out to the beach, with his mom, where they were camping, . It was a pleasant afternoon, we went over to the beach, on a boardwalk, (I was in wheelchair) and I loved being by the beach. I always reminisce about when the ocean was my favorite place to be and walking in the sand a wonderful feeling. I have to say I really like his sister and husband. They are great, fun people.
- My husband and I went to the restrooms and tried to go by ourselves. We went to an empty camp lot on the intercoastal side. Sure enough his mother showed up, then his sister and husband. It was fine until his sister went to get me a sweatshirt and my husband told her where it was in the truck. She brought back the wrong sweat shirt and then left to go back to campsite, his mom stayed. Well I lost it! I went ballistic because he should have known which sweatshirt I wanted and if he paid the slightest bit of attention to me, this wouldn’t have happened. His mother still stayed and tried to placate me which made me even madder. Finally she left and I went off on him. I threatened to tell his family what a farce our marriage was. He offered to get me the sweatshirt I wanted and I wouldn’t hear of it. I had had my outfit planned and he fucked it up. When you don’t go anywhere and wer the same things day after day, this was important to me. See what a miserable person I am?