The past week has been tough. I feel like I have multiple personalities, each coming out to help me cope with my daily struggles. One day feeling like I am going to explode, heart palpitations, not sleeping and feeling overwhelmed with every thought. The next day, singing with the radio and being silly at the garden shop, showing a smiling face to the world, then being the biggest bitch of all time. I’m at the edge of going balistic. I don’t because it would not matter. My feelings would have to be tucked away until the next time I can’t bear it.
I feel my life is on hold, always waiting for the next move that I feel will finally make me happy, (happier). I am buying things for a home I don’t even have yet, in N. Carolina. I feel stagnant in Virginia. I have never adapted or been able to make friends. I’m here because I have to be. Do I? Should I get a divorce and move back to NY to be near my family? The thought overwhelms me. I am dependent on being helped, can my son take on that responsibility? He shouldn’t have to so I stay where I am.
I receive no affection, love, caring, sex; nothing. I am existing. If I didn’t volunteer at the garden, I don’t know what I would do. I miss my Maggie, the love I felt and still feel. My husband is a machine. No emotion, no need to have fun in his life, no sense of humor, no appreciation for any living things on this earth. He is content to just exist and do what you need to do in life, work, more work, any and all work.
I am overwhelmed by the fact that I will go through life having never had someone who “gets me.” Someone who is so into music, they deeply feel it; someone who can look up at the blue sky and white clouds and the stars in the sky and feel such wonder, joy and appreciation. Someone to be silly with and laugh; someone who loves me.
I don’t know what to do, I have no one to share these things with. How can I tell an old friend or my cousins that I’m close to, that I haven’t had sex with my husband in 15 years! Talk about TMI.