This is how I am feeling. I can’t stop eating. I’m always hungry. After a 6:00 dinner of baked salmon, steamed broccoli w/lemon juice and a yam, and a cappuccino at 7:30. Less than 2 hours later P brings in a bag of lime tortilla chips and carrot hummus , I totally pig out. It crosses my mind that I shouldn’t, but I didn’t care. They taste so good! The end result is that I am feeling like a pig.
As I watch myself and P pig out, it occurs to me that maybe we are both turning to food as a substitute for love. He is also out of control with his eating. I can say that for me, I recognize that is exactly what I am doing. For him I think it is a different story. He is the one who decided on how this relationship is or in our case isn’t. I don’t think P is capable of feeling love. He is highly capable of always “doing the right thing” and making a good show of it. Whatever his reasons for denying himself a life of love and adventure is for him to come to terms with. Unfortunately he will lead his entire life without facing what stops him from experiencing a life of love, fun, and having any deep feelings for any human. As for me, I will continue to exist in this relationship because I need certain things that he can provide (most important health insurance).
This Thursday I have my yearly physical and will find out that I have high cholesterol. I am also taking part speaking with a nutritionist, (that his company provides), and hopefully finding alternate successful ways to deal with my appetite.